Life’s a journey, not a destination…

Left Foot, Right Foot…

Life and time are constant.

Regardless of what is going on around you, life and time keeps going.

I often think about what life would be like with my Mum here. What would we have done in the 2 years she’s been upstairs with the Big Man?

A wise man once told me that the “what ifs” will eat you up inside the more you think about them. It is easy for you to get wrapped up in these, however; you cannot change what has been done.
You cannot change what has been said
And you cannot change the situation you have been put in.
In fact, you cannot change any of what has happened before…because that’s it. They have HAPPENED.

Regret? No.
Life lesson? Definitely.

I’m currently just about getting myself out of this head-fuck situation, back to being as normal as I can be considering everything which has happened in the past 2 years.

My mum passed away in February 2017. She was 47 years young. I was 18 at the time. I knew we were fucked when the consultant said they hadn’t seen that type of cancer before.

But I tell you this…I have never in my whole 20 years of existence seen anybody as strong as my mum was.
She tackled the bastard with such integrity and grit. I’m positive that she will have had her moments with my dad…she wouldn’t have wanted me or Jess to see her upset in any way.

When you are told that someone isn’t going to get better, that they are going to die, you think you prepare yourself for it. You do grieve a little before hand. You are losing that person every day, and you know it, so naturally, you start to grieve for that person before they have gone.
But absolutely no amount of preparation can ever prepare you for being told that the worst is going to happen a lot sooner than you think. It cannot prepare you for them leaving at all.

“Death is nothing at all. It does not count. I have only slipped away in to the next room. Nothing has happened. Everything remains exactly as it was. I am I, and you are you, and the old life that we lived so fondly together in untouched, unchanged. Whatever we were to each other, that we are still. Call me by my old familiar name, speak of me in the easy way which you always used. Put no difference in your tone. Wear no forces air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laughed, at the little jokes that we enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let me name be ever the household word that it always was. Let it be spoken without effort, without the ghost of a shadow upon it. Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was. There is absolute and unbroken continuity. What is death but a negligible accident? Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am but waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around the corner. All is well.

All is well.”

Something that no one likes speaking about, least of all me.
Unfortunately, death is inevitable. We are all going to die. And I guess the really fucked up thing is that no one really knows when their time is coming.
Not one person could stress enough that life is too short.
My dad would tell me often to stop being stubborn – “life is too short!”.
The thing is, you only realise this when it is too late.
I don’t have any regrets about things I had to say to Mum. We are lucky we got that change…every cloud and all that?

According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number 2 is death…so this means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

So, a few points I have learnt the past couple of years;
– It is OK to ask for help. If you recognise that you need it, grow a pair. It will be the best thing you ever do.
– Work will wait. It will be there when you get back.
– Learning to focus on yourself id one of the, if not THE most important thing you need to do for YOU. Learning to focus on yourself in time allows you to realise how far you have come. Learning to appreciate you in effect allows you to love yourself again.
– It’s really, actually, 100% OK NOT TO BE OK!!!
– Strawberries are the only fruit to have seeds on the outside.
– Grief is love with nowhere to go.
– And last but not least, writing shit down actually makes you feel better…try it!

Abs x